Depression

All my days are not always happy ones.  In fact, I have quite a few depressing ones.  I have had some serious depression to deal with in the past, and even fight it still to this day.

 

For me, depression has stemmed from all the overwhelming responsibilities that seem to enshroud me.  The kids squabbling and fighting, dishes and laundry piling up, house needing cleaned, food needing cooked, grocery shopping, and my husband out-of-town working.  All the motherly responsibilities are a lot, especially the more kids you have.

 

After my 6th baby, it all seemed just too much.  I felt trapped and bogged down.  I wanted to die.  I didn't contemplate any way to kill myself, I just prayed to Heavenly Father to let me die.  I felt that some other woman would make a better wife and mother than I could be.

 

I had friends that stepped in to do an "intervention" and try to help me out.  This only made it worse and more depressing for me.  They were good friends, trying to lift me up, but I felt belittled for how I was feeling and that I was in the wrong.  Going to church became embarrassing and hard.

 

I even tried therapy with LDS Family Services to no avail.  I would come away from therapy sessions feeling unresolved, upset and worse than before.

 

I went to the Doctor contemplating medicine, but I was and still am so much against medication.  I know medication is definitely good for some, but I struggle to bring myself to it.  I've heard how it dulls the senses and messes with your emotions.  Some work and some don't.  Getting off medication can cause serious withdrawals.  Some make you sleepy.  The clencher for me was that some can make you more suicidal.  With all these risks and side effects that can come along, I just couldn't deal with more in my already emotional, fragile state.

 

What eventually pulled me out of my depression was the gospel.  More in particular was the phrase "Faith in Every Footstep."  I learned that if I will trust in the Lord and move forward that the Lord will carry me the rest of the way.  So I started by changing that dirty diaper and patted myself on the back.  Getting through a few dishes on the counter became an accomplishment in my book.  Just getting the clothes washed and dried became good enough for me.  I lowered my expectations and just did the bare minimum and praised myself for it.  I realized and constantly reminded myself that my family wanted a happy me.  They didn't care if the house was a mess or if we had cereal for dinner.  They just wanted to see me happy and feel loved.  So instead of focusing on the home, I focused on my family.  I put one foot in front of the other and, with faith, I moved forward.

 

I still struggle to this day to fight the overwhelming responsibilities and depression.  So often I just want to curl up in bed and stay there forever.  I want to lose myself in a book, or Facebook, or games, or anything that will help me escape reality.  But, I know that just pushes me further down and away.  While I try to make sure and take time for me, I also know that I have to keep moving forward with faith, and the Lord will carry me the rest of the way.